You Asked for It
An update on my infertility journey, the best bag, and an amazing summer side dish
Well, that was a longer break than anticipated. The COVID monster hit our household, and it hit us hard. I’m typing this while wearing sunglasses inside the house, so I would say I’m operating at 75%. (Side note: did you know that COVID can affect the eyes? Mine became SO sensitive–hence the sunglasses.)
Thank you for your patience during this unintentional pause. I hope to never have to do that again. All paid subscribers will receive an extra newsletter this year due to this break! (And Founding Members, your digital print will be coming; keep an eye out in August.)
Many double dutch subscribers have asked for an infertility journey update, so this essay is dedicated to where I’m at.
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essay no. 2
The Call
I was in a hotel in LA, half asleep, when my phone rang. My fertility office.
“Hi Nicole, It’s Beth. How are you doing?” The minute she asked how I was doing, my heart sank, and I knew it wasn’t good news. Usually, my nurses go right into the results—it’s a busy office and time is of the essence.
“I’m fine,” I said, my tone defeated.
“Unfortunately, your embryo tested abnormal, I’m so sorry,” Beth said. “It was missing chromosome 21.”
Normally full of questions for my nurses and doctor, it took everything in me to muster out a simple, “Thanks for letting me know.”
My close girlfriend, Carolyn. was sharing the hotel room with me. “My embryo was abnormal,” I said flatly, then lay on my back and closed my eyes, wishing so many things—that I was younger, that I started trying for another child sooner, that I had a million dollars so another round of IVF wouldn’t seem so daunting. She climbed into my bed, wrapped her arms around me, and squeezed hard.
A few minutes later, she took a shower so I could call Tim privately.
“Embryo was abnormal,” I said bluntly to Tim. No hello, no pleasantries, my voice void of any emotion. This two year journey just got a lot longer. Our tentative embryo transfer, now off the table, and back to square one.
We flew home that day, and I started and finished, The Seven Husband of Evelyn Hugo, glad to have an escape.
The Process
Oftentimes, when I mention that Tim and I are doing IVF, I get a very enthusiastic response. “Wow, that’s so exciting!” “Good for you! You must be so excited!” “What?! That’s amazing!”
And every time, I’m jolted a little bit. I know that each person is trying to be supportive, and from the outside, it must look a bit exciting—I mean, you’re creating a human outside of the body and then transferring it into your uterus. You hear about IVF successes all the time, so to the lay person, it seems like a shoo-in, not a Hail Mary.
The thing that the general population doesn’t know about infertility (and I had NO idea about until I started going through it) is the extreme toll it takes emotionally, physically, and financially. Coupled with the fact that the success rates can be very low depending on your eggs, uterine health, and sperm health, I would say it’s less exciting and far more anxiety-inducing/terrifying.
The reality is: each round of IVF could pay for a new car. (I mean not a BMW...but a basic economy car—yes). Only around 30% of US companies offer fertility coverage and the amount that’s covered varies wildly. The ability to even consider doing an IVF cycle without insurance coverage is a privilege. I have friends who have refinanced their homes, emptied their 401k, and taken out massive loans to do this. To say I’m passionate about advocating for more companies to offer good coverage is putting it mildly.
For me, the financial aspect is the most stressful part of IVF. Not having the bank account for unlimited rounds and the fact that my current employer doesn’t cover IVF makes each try incredibly important. Unfortunately, I’ve had two unsuccessful rounds so far, and will be preparing for my third egg retrieval in August or September.
The waiting is intense. It’s not just waiting for the phone calls—it’s giving yourself shots every night and going to the doctor every few days to see if your eggs are growing. My heart has never pounded harder than waiting to see how many egg follicles show up on the ultrasound screen. It’s waiting for your period to come so you can start your meds. It’s waiting two weeks to take a pregnancy test (multiple tests…I go through them like La Croix). It’s getting the news that you need a few more days on meds (which can equate to thousands more dollars). This girl does not like waiting or living in the gray, so each day during an IVF cycle feels like trepidation.
You may have seen photos on social media that show a newborn surrounded by countless syringes and med bottles. Before our infertility, I wouldn’t really be moved by them, honestly. I probably wondered why someone would keep all of that instead of tossing it—all about the Marie Kondo life. :) Now I see them and I can picture each injection, the burning sensation of Menopur, the mixing of saline and powders, hoping I don’t mess it up, swapping out needles, ice packs on my stomach. You can bet I have Sharps containers stuffed full, just waiting for the day I can take that photo.
The day of egg retrieval, you’re put under. I’ve come to really enjoy it. Not only is it the best nap ever, but you have a whole team waiting on you hand and foot. My first retrieval, I frantically asked the anesthesiologist if it was normal for my forehead to be tingling and then—poof. Done!
If your doctor is able to retrieve any eggs, they’re combined with sperm and you want to hear if they fertilize. Most women will receive a Day 1 report the day after retrieval and then a Day 5 report on whether any fertilized eggs made it to blastocyst/embryo stage. Some couples choose to test their embryos, like us, to see if they’re genetically normal, as this results in a much higher chance of pregnancy. It takes around two weeks for results to come back—which is where I was in the process in that hotel in LA.
The cycle continues until you either get pregnant or decide to pursue other options. Right now, Tim and I are committed to at least a couple more rounds. Will you hope with us? Come on, baby.
The Hope
I never imagined only having one child, and quite frankly, it breaks my heart to consider it. It’s interesting because as an adoptee, I’ve always been an advocate for adoption, but also as an adoptee, I’ve found that having a biological child healed a big part of me that I didn’t even realize needed healing.
A few months ago, I was working through why I feel such a deep desire for another child, specifically biological. My therapist pointed out that in this world, I only have two biological relatives that I am connected with: Clay and my twin sister.
When people say things like, “Oh, he looked just like you when he made that face” or “He definitely has your cheeks (which I’ve always hated),” I feel such a sense of groundedness and joy. It’s not that it’s ever bothered me that my parents and brother and I don’t share genes, but to share them with someone—I’ve found it such a connector.
We anticipate another round of IVF in either August or September, depending upon my cycle and how it times with vacation (Yes, you need to account for that. The anxiety of whether your eggs are going to grow fast enough because you have a non-refundable plane ticket is real, lol.)
More waiting, more bated breath—clinging to a golden thread of hope.
product recommendation
The Tryout is a section where I share some of my favorite things — from skincare to kitchen gadgets to the sweater I finally splurged on.
It’s prime time for the beach and pool, as showcased by the forecast in Philadelphia.
Thankfully, we are spending the summer in Michigan, where I grew up, and the temps have been much more mild. But I digress!
If you’re heading somewhere to take a dip, I have THE bag for you. I spotted my friend carrying it last year and immediately asked for it for my birthday. The Cloud Travel Bag by BAGGU is perfect for the sand, sun, and water. It’s big enough to fit everyone’s towel, sunscreen, snacks, and water, and has a little pouch for your phone and wallet. It’s lightweight, machine washable, and easily turns inside-out to dump out the sand (right?!). There are lots of different colors if you Google it, too.
The only downside is that because of its size, it’s easy for small things to get lost in there, so I recommend snatching up a few pouches while you’re at it. These are also great!
And if you’re not sold, I went to a pool party with some other families from Clay’s school. One mom approached me and said, “I need to know all the details about your bag because it’s perfect and cool and my pool bag is so not cool.” So there’s that.
recipe
All the recipes I feature at Double Dutch are ones I’ve made over and over again, to rave reviews. In order to share it with you, it needs to be in the bribe-worthy category, meaning it’s so good, I could lure someone over with it (what can I say, I’m an extrovert living with an introvert) or pay someone back with it (read: baby-sitting).
There’s almost nothing better than summer corn—especially when it’s farm fresh and incredibly sweet. I discovered this recipe from Smitten Kitchen this summer, and have worked on tweaking it to my taste.
It’s the kind of side that will be devoured at bbqs and pool parties, people standing around the platter, sneaking more onto their plates. It’s also delicious when paired with tacos or even scooped on top! I highly recommend sourcing cojita cheese (Mexican grocery stores will definitely have it), but have used feta successfully.
Happy Summer to y’all and we’ll chat again in a couple of weeks! My next Substack will be for paid subscribers only, so if you want to have continued access to this little newsletter, make sure to sign up for a monthly or yearly subscription.
And if you’re not in a place to spend right now, I totally get it. Shoot me a message—I’ll gift you a free subscription. :)
I’d love to hear what you think—or a chance to say hello! Feel free to comment, send me an email, or ping me on Instagram @nicolemprince.